Trisha Lyn Fawver

Ever had one of those things that you felt you needed say to someone, but you are afraid of the consequences?  I want to suggest a path to a friend, because based on interactions lately with this friend I feel like they might be happier taking this suggested path than the one they're currently on.  And I can't help being a good friend and wanting what's best for people and for everyone to be happy.  However, if friend does take this action and choose the new path, I may lose this friend.  I'm selfish in this regard, and I don't want things to change.  I'm absolutely terrified of potentially losing this friend, and I want things to stay the way they are.  I'm almost paralyzed by that fear to want to say anything.  Genuinely afraid.

So, do I get this off my chest, suggest friend should take this potential path and accept that it may seriously alter our friendship to my dismay, or just keep it to myself and pretend like I don't see this, all so we can keep our friendship the way it is for as long as possible?

Of course, I could leave it alone, pretend like I haven't noticed this trend in my friend's mindset lately.  Friend might eventually come to this same action on their own, at which time I'll still have to deal with potentially losing this friendship.  But I'll have been able to squeeze as much time as possible.  I'd love to say what I have to say, and have them disagree, and then I'd know if I just misread our interactions and have them confirm they're happy with their current path.  Status Quo Maintained.  Or friend may get over it, this may just be a phase, and life goes on.

Ugh.

—

Yes, I know I have been thinking a lot about friendship lately, it's meanings and implications.  Maybe it's because I've been sick, so I'm mentally worn down.  Maybe it's because I've been inexplicably depressed… though part of the depression is this and I haven't wanted to admit it, I guess. 

When you're depressed everything just hits at once.  First you're bummed because your camera got horribly upstaged (though what did you expect with just a point-and-shoot?), then you see yourself in a mirror and get further down about your appearance, start wondering how the person you're with could ever POSSIBLY be attracted to your fat ass, then you start reading too many things on Facebook or Twitter and reading into stuff (maybe too much, but it all seems so obvious) and finally you're so depressed you can't move and can't function and just want to lay on the couch in a semi-catatonic state, maybe cry, and definitely not talk to anyone, because who the fuck would even want to talk to you in this blubbering incoherent state anyway?  It's all a mess, and you just feel like such a piece of shit friend and person anyway that doesn't deserve any of the good things that have come your way.  Everything you've ever done that's ever-so-slightly "wrong" (by whatever standard?) just comes jumping into your mind and you can't shut it off.  You start questioning why these people are your friends in the first place, who your real friends are, and second guessing everything in your life.  Your mate, your family, your friends, your job, your house, your pets, your clothes, your food, your car, your hair, your style (or lack), your possessions, your nails, your health, your life, your sanity.  It's just a spiral, and what brings you out of it?  It seems like nothing ever will.  No song or show or movie or dance or game or activity is ever happy or funny or distracting enough to really make you remember that you're a good person, you do deserve good things and to be happy, and your friends and loved ones love you because you're a good person, and genuinely want to be around you because you make them laugh, or give good advice, or are there for them when they need someone, or whatever the reasons someone would ever give for being your friend or your lover or just wanting to spend time with you.

How does one remember they're a good person?  What is that tipping point where all the things in your youth that destroyed your self-esteem so wretchedly start going away.  When does all the positive in your life start to outweigh that old negative?  When will you realize that all the awesome things people say about you have got to be true, they can't ALL be lying (even if you let doubt creep in & accept some are), and that hey – what are you worrying about?  You're awesome, you have people in your life that love you, and you are welcome and encouraged and accepted to just be yourself 100% of the time, without reservation, because THAT is the person they want to be with?

Posted via email from The Midnight Showing of Trisha

I'm so fucking tired.  I'm tired of trying to be 'in'.  I'm almost 30 years old, when does this pathetic desire to be 'in' end?  I'm tried of wanting to be 'in' with the groups of friends on the board.  I'm tired of wanting to be 'in' within my industry.  When do I finally get to be happy with me, happy with the friends I have, and not keep clutching at this never-ending desire to be part of the 'in' crowd? 

I'm downright sick of it.  Why do I care what people I've met a handful of times that live thousands of miles away from me think?  So fucking what.  Why do I try so hard to be their friend when they're not trying to be mine?  So fuck it, from here out, I'm not pursuing this bullshit.  I just un-friended a lot of people on Facebook.  People I'm not sure have ever shown me the reciprocation of friendship.  If you got cut and still want to be friends, sorry it was sort of a rash decision so I understand… just re-friend me.  But I'm going to live the way I want with the friends I have and stop questioning if people are really my friends or not.

So yeah.  End rant I guess.

Posted via email from The Midnight Showing of Trisha

I realize I haven't really written an update in awhile, not since imploring people to help support the school Dominic's siblings attend.  That's gone very well, thank you!  They gave the family 30 tickets to sell and I helped to sell 29 of them!  It feels really great to help; I know the school needs support.  So big thanks to everyone who has bought a raffle ticket so far, and if you haven't and still want to, let me know.  We have family friends who are also trying to sell tickets and having a tough time.

Incidentally, just do not PayPal me money and write "raffle ticket" anywhere in there – it violates PayPal's policies and they already bitch slapped me once, I'd rather not get my account shut down.  That would just be a huge pain in my ass.

The New Job
It's going well! Some days are crazy busy, others are slower and totally manageable.  I'm sure as I pick up more of the technical aspects, like setting up billing and whatnot, there will be more for me to do and less for me to ask for help with.  It's very nice to work with these people – I have to say that I do love it so far.

My Blogs (yeah, the other ones…)
There's something wrong with my main blog, TrishaLyn.com, and I can't figure it out.  I get weird, somewhat random Internal Server 500 Errors.  I also can't update to the most recent version of WordPress because I'm using too old of a My SQL database.  I'm attempting to fix this now, but I honestly don't know what the hell I'm doing, and I just hope I don't fuck it up worse than it already is.  I'm downloading all the files to back it up first, then going from there.  I can dream.  Otherwise, Food Askew is on auto pilot as usual and Girl Scout Guide is going kind of slow.  I just haven't had the motivation.  I want to get the new badge books so I can post more badge help there, but I've been lazy.  I need to find out if the Cadette/Senior book has actually been updated since the version I have, because if not there's no reason for me to buy new ones. 

My Health
I've been working on keeping my diabetes better in check.  I went to the doctor a couple weeks ago and she prescribed me another medication to take to help.  I'm optimistic, and back to checking my blood sugar more often like I should be.  On the downside, and this has nothing to do with the other, my back has been hurting a lot lately.  I think it may be a result of the chair I use at my desk, but not sure.  I bought one of those yoga balance balls to sit on because I heard they did great things for your posture and back to sit on those while you work.  The problem, as I soon came to find out, is that my desk is a bit tall to do that and it puts my arms at an awkward angle.  No good.  So back to the drawing board.  I found a new desk set that I really want if I don't get completed ass fucked on my taxes this year, what with the whole 1099 contractor deal, so I'll at least wait to get a new chair until after I know if I can get a new desk set or not.  Fingers are crossed.

Other Crap
I don't think much else is going on.  Dominic turns 30 next week and we're going to Hooters to celebrate on Friday.  He didn't want a big fuss and honestly, I don't think I could have thrown some big to do anyway.  He's never been to a Hooters, so it should be mildly entertaining I guess.  Not sure what we'll do afterwards, if anything.  It's up to him. 

I think I may start writing more stuff and posting it here to share.  Feedback welcome, but constructive feedback, please.

 

Posted via email from The Midnight Showing of Trisha

So using the power of my blog, Twitter, & Facebook, I implore you to reach into your pocket and buy a raffle ticket to support the school Dominic's siblings attend in Oregon.  With the economy as bad as it is in Oregon, a lot of families have been unable to pay their tuition in full, what with trying to feed their kids and live indoors and all.  The proceeds from the raffle will go towards paying the existing teachers' salaries, as well as remodeling the teachers' house owned by the school & church into a convent.  They are having nuns arrive in July to take over some teaching duties next year, which will cut down on salaries the school needs to pay.

Tickets are $10 each.  First prize is $3000 cash. Second prize is $500 cash.  Third prize is $250 cash.  Fourth prize is $100 cash.

The drawing will be held at their annual Renaissance Dinner and Auction on April 23rd. If you're interested in buying a ticket, you can either let me know and I can give you my in-laws' address to send the money to, or send the money for the ticket directly to the school and mention that you're buying tickets from the Fawver children and they'll let my mother-in-law Michelle know that it came & attribute it towards their goals. 

Checks can be made payable to St. Thomas Becket Academy.  The address is 25269 E. Bolton Rd., Veneta, OR 97487.  Remember that this is a non-profit organization, so your donation for the raffle ticket is tax-deductible and they will send you a receipt if you request it.

I've included a copy of the raffle ticket for good measure, though since they are numbered, this will not be your actual ticket

Posted via email from The Midnight Showing of Trisha

This month is half over, and there's a few things I meant to blog about but haven't gotten around to them.  So, here we go!

*Voltaire*
So Steve sent out a mass email a couple weeks ago that Voltaire was going to be playing at the Sacanime show in Sacramento and he wanted someone to go with him, or else he was going alone.  I was bummed out because of some other things that I'll get to soon enough, so I said sure – I'll go.  Admittedly, the way he worded it in his email, I thought it was a movie.  But after talking to him, quickly found it was a music group.  And of course come show time, realized it's one dude.  Who is awesome.

I've had his songs stuck in my head all week; it's really quite infectious.  He's got some for free on iTunes which I highly recommend – just search for Voltaire and download his podcast from 2007 – it's not a podcast at all, just a few songs he tossed up for free.  Now, I guess Steve's been listening to Voltaire for like 10 years, and has always managed to miss his concerts when he's been in his area.  So he went MAJOR fanboy on him…it's safe to describe him as positively GIDDY when he got Voltaire to sign some of his swag… AND Steve was standing front row center for the show while I sat back in the chairs and video taped it.  Lucky for us I was taping because during one song Voltaire asked Steve up on stage to sing with him.  What kind of fanboy wet dream is that?!  So that's now captured for prosperity, and I'm officially a fan of Voltaire.  I bought a shirt that says "If it involves Dorritos, Mountain Dew, and Bloodshed – Count Me In!"  I bought it with the intention of selling it to my brother, but it grew on me and I think I'll keep it.  After I wash it and try it on I'll make a decision… if' it fits snugly then I'll sell it to him. 

As I mentioned, this concert was at the Sacanime show.  That was weird… there's definitely a reason I don't go to places like that.  Too many young kids and teenagers for my taste.  Annoying.  Beyond the fact that nothing about anime interests me in the slightest.  I can safely say I'd have more interest in a comicon!

*Wine Charms*
For Christmas I etched some wine glasses as gifts for my mother in law and Dominic's aunt Bridget.  I then got the idea from parusing for something on the Michael's Crafts website to make wine charms to go with them.  So I did, and they LOVED THEM.  Michelle (MIL) raved about them to her mom & Dom's other aunt Julie and when we arrived at Christmas dinner at his grandmother's house they told me they'd officially recruited me to make some for them to sell at their holiday bazaar at the church next year.  Bridget raved about hers too and told me how nice they were.  Dom's mom just told me the other day that she loves hers and uses them every Sunday when there's more people up at the house for dinner.  Somewhere along this journey, someone suggested I make some and sell them.  So I'm making some sets and have put a few up for sale on Etsy.com/shop/BlinkstarMedia.  I have more made at home that I need to bust out my table top lighting studio and take photos of to list.  I'm also taking some with me to the conference I'm going to this weekend to show a woman who runs a site called OurHandmadeGifts.com and she may be interested in selling them on her site too.  Which would be awesome.

I take requests, so if there's a theme of charms or colors you'd like and are willing to pay $10 for a set of 5 or 6, let me know.  Oh, here's the pics of some:

*Job Stuff*
Last Friday, I apparently made a career move.  My hand was forced!  I was called by my current boss around noon that they were making a business decision to stop using contractors out of the area and to bring all accounts in-house for the new team in Boulder, CO to work on.  She went on and on about how I was the best person on her team, one of the best affiliate managers in the industry, and how if I were in Boulder she'd have me running a small division myself.  But, she knows I can't (and don't want to) move to Boulder, so they're letting me go at the end of the month.  I'll work on the jewelry client I've been working with since June and then nothing.  She also admitted that she pays them FAR less than me.  Which is kind of insulting that I just can't be kept because I'm expensive, because honestly the average affiliate manager in this industry makes $80-$120 K and I don't make even half the low ball estimate.  Whatever.

So I hung up the phone, yelled for a minute, then started doing what I did last April when I was let go from New Edge with zero notice… emailing every contact in the industry I have asking them for leads on new positions.  I got on a couple phone calls and by 3pm I had a new job lined up.  I signed the contract yesterday.  It'll be for slightly more money, a higher performance incentive bonus, doing client support and sales for an automated coupon feed website.  I won't be an affiliate manager in the traditional sense anymore, but it's a smooth transition.  I'm excited, and I even start working for them officially tomorrow and on Monday will be putting some time in for them at their booth at Affiliate Summit (which I was always planning on going to).  I'm a contract worker for 3 months while they're in the midst of redoing some HR stuff internally, then I'll be brought in as a full employee once they get that sorted.  It's awesome.

So yeah… new job within 3 hrs.  I know that pisses some people off, but it really proves to me that this is a career I'm working on here, not just another job.  And that feels good.

That's about all I have to update on the past goings on in January, other than I finally took down my Christmas decorations this week.  A little late for me, but work's been nutty.  Hopefully with this change to a new job and everything, things will calm down.  I hope!

Posted via email from The Midnight Showing of Trisha