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Elephants & Lexapro March 26, 2010

Posted by Trisha Lyn Fawver in General Rambling.
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Ever had one of those things that you felt you needed say to someone, but you are afraid of the consequences?  I want to suggest a path to a friend, because based on interactions lately with this friend I feel like they might be happier taking this suggested path than the one they're currently on.  And I can't help being a good friend and wanting what's best for people and for everyone to be happy.  However, if friend does take this action and choose the new path, I may lose this friend.  I'm selfish in this regard, and I don't want things to change.  I'm absolutely terrified of potentially losing this friend, and I want things to stay the way they are.  I'm almost paralyzed by that fear to want to say anything.  Genuinely afraid.

So, do I get this off my chest, suggest friend should take this potential path and accept that it may seriously alter our friendship to my dismay, or just keep it to myself and pretend like I don't see this, all so we can keep our friendship the way it is for as long as possible?

Of course, I could leave it alone, pretend like I haven't noticed this trend in my friend's mindset lately.  Friend might eventually come to this same action on their own, at which time I'll still have to deal with potentially losing this friendship.  But I'll have been able to squeeze as much time as possible.  I'd love to say what I have to say, and have them disagree, and then I'd know if I just misread our interactions and have them confirm they're happy with their current path.  Status Quo Maintained.  Or friend may get over it, this may just be a phase, and life goes on.

Ugh.

Yes, I know I have been thinking a lot about friendship lately, it's meanings and implications.  Maybe it's because I've been sick, so I'm mentally worn down.  Maybe it's because I've been inexplicably depressed… though part of the depression is this and I haven't wanted to admit it, I guess. 

When you're depressed everything just hits at once.  First you're bummed because your camera got horribly upstaged (though what did you expect with just a point-and-shoot?), then you see yourself in a mirror and get further down about your appearance, start wondering how the person you're with could ever POSSIBLY be attracted to your fat ass, then you start reading too many things on Facebook or Twitter and reading into stuff (maybe too much, but it all seems so obvious) and finally you're so depressed you can't move and can't function and just want to lay on the couch in a semi-catatonic state, maybe cry, and definitely not talk to anyone, because who the fuck would even want to talk to you in this blubbering incoherent state anyway?  It's all a mess, and you just feel like such a piece of shit friend and person anyway that doesn't deserve any of the good things that have come your way.  Everything you've ever done that's ever-so-slightly "wrong" (by whatever standard?) just comes jumping into your mind and you can't shut it off.  You start questioning why these people are your friends in the first place, who your real friends are, and second guessing everything in your life.  Your mate, your family, your friends, your job, your house, your pets, your clothes, your food, your car, your hair, your style (or lack), your possessions, your nails, your health, your life, your sanity.  It's just a spiral, and what brings you out of it?  It seems like nothing ever will.  No song or show or movie or dance or game or activity is ever happy or funny or distracting enough to really make you remember that you're a good person, you do deserve good things and to be happy, and your friends and loved ones love you because you're a good person, and genuinely want to be around you because you make them laugh, or give good advice, or are there for them when they need someone, or whatever the reasons someone would ever give for being your friend or your lover or just wanting to spend time with you.

How does one remember they're a good person?  What is that tipping point where all the things in your youth that destroyed your self-esteem so wretchedly start going away.  When does all the positive in your life start to outweigh that old negative?  When will you realize that all the awesome things people say about you have got to be true, they can't ALL be lying (even if you let doubt creep in & accept some are), and that hey – what are you worrying about?  You're awesome, you have people in your life that love you, and you are welcome and encouraged and accepted to just be yourself 100% of the time, without reservation, because THAT is the person they want to be with?

Posted via email from The Midnight Showing of Trisha

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